Women of Gentle Spirit

I have a number of letters to answer and have been requested to give an update on my health situation. My daybed is still set up in the lounge and a pathway has been worn around our garden. Yep, getting antsy to get out into the world again! We travel to Pretoria (four-five hour trip) on the 8th for my 6-week checkup. It looks to be a "cattle-run" but I will cooperate and go – lying flat on my back, with an opened umbrella over my head. Hopefully, I will then be allowed to shower on my own (with Dave sighing in relief!), and hopefully I will be allowed to perch on a bar stool. There will be increased exercises and longer distances walking, although the back brace hinders this somewhat – painful! Maybe the powers that be can figure out something to minimize this.

These last several weeks have been wonderfully filled with visitors from all around the area. And when I add my knowledge of their prayers to the love YOU have expressed to God on my behalf, I know I have been well cared for. One of the blessings Dave and I benefit from in being overseas in the work Dave has chosen has been our increased contact with so many wonderful Christians, more so than normally would be the case. I have therefore been overwhelmed by your responses and I continue to give thanksgiving to God for each one of you, knowing you too have personal concerns.

Last Sunday, 22 Christians from Mavele arrived by hired bus to spend some 30 minutes with us. They were returning from worshipping with the Christians in Musina. They had been issued an invitation to go and meet the Musina Christians, so they pooled their meager resources and planned their trip. Upon learning of my being homebound and recovering from a back operation, "we could not just pass by without coming to pray with you."

We have a small lounge, but everybody present was SO very welcome, spilling out through the patio doors. Their loving hugs, the several prayers, singing, and visiting, even though hampered somewhat by the Shangaan language, quite made up for being left alone all day. (Dave leaves early to go preach in one of the village churches, returns to check on me, and then goes to the prisons to preach, carrying the Lord’s Supper emblems.) This effort by the Mavele Christians was an impressive undertaking for it is a four-hour journey between these two cities (Louis Trichardt is in between and one hour from Musina.)

My best memory of all these visits is the four ladies who hired a taxi from Tshitithuni, bringing me gifts and prayers, with readings from the Word of God.

After tea was served and eaten, I asked them to talk to me about a subject that I had been writing about – a mother-in-law’s perspective. Instead, it was interesting to listen to them begin talking of the difficulties they personally had experienced as daughters-in-law. One woman began to describe her mother-in-law as always drinking "the beer," shouting, bossing every one. They talked of the jealousy their mothers-in-law commonly have toward them, critical of their cooking, making accusations of being lazy, etc. When I again tried to switch "horses," they could only stare at me, with no understanding, unable to visualize the difficulties or blessings mothers-in-law might experience, even though several of them have married children.

Talk then turned to what happens when a girl gets married. All four of them went through the process of a traditional Venda wedding and their gradual introduction to their new husband (not met beforehand). Before marriage, several older women of the groom’s family get together with a number of women of the bride’s family and talk about a bride price. This amount is taken to the bride’s mother to be accepted or rejected. If accepted, the women of the groom’s family come to the girl and talk to her concerning what is expected of her in marriage, not only the care and management of the home (including THEIR homes), but also the duties of the wife. In this way, the family becomes acquainted with the girl and she them, beginning the basis of understanding, trust, and hopefully mutual love within the extended family. I found this fascinating, for there is merit in family being involved that you and I would do well to keep in mind when our own young people plan to marry. (By extension, I can also see value in women in the church extending the same welcome to a new bride, giving loving advice, not just presents :-) in the new relationship of married women.)

In reality, the new bride (baVenda tradition) now becomes the servant of the mother-in-law. If there are already daughters-in-law in the family, the new bride is definitely low man on the totem pole! One woman described her early experience in marrying into the royal family. She was brought to her room (a separate hut) and was told not to come out for one week. Afterwards, the mother-in-law instructed her concerning her duties in the family. One example: very early every morning she was to heat water and carry the hot bath water to each member of the family (remember, we’re talking extended family). "And that water carried on my head was hot!" She was told if she was not carrying anything on her head, she must walk on her knees everywhere, seeking permission to speak before doing so. "And it was very painful, for there are many stones!" Every family member then offers gifts if they are pleased with her, and these gifts are then gathered and taken to the mother of the new bride. If the mother does not receive any gifts, she comes to "straighten" out her daughter!

Each woman had a horror story to tell, but they all agreed that the plan was good, just that some mothers-in-law were cruel in their pride and jealousy. The fourth woman then spoke up and described a beautiful picture of a happy family group where she has a good relationship with her mother-in-law to this day. Why? Every adult member in her husband’s extended family is a Christian – and living for Christ. Truly, whatever culture we live in that does not eliminate Jesus Christ, He can work within that culture. Interestingly enough, another group of ladies and one husband came by to see us, returning from visiting the family of the bride to be joining their own family in the near future. Since the bride was also present, I took advantage of the opportunity and asked her how she was enjoying the whole experience. Thankfully, these good people have found each other and are so very thrilled that the Lord is honored in both extended families. Dave and I are especially thrilled for we had already adopted the future bride and groom and have been grooming them for the last four years – just not specifically for each other. Encouraging our young people to keep their priorities straight is yours and my priority – yes?

Sending my love to you, Joanne